Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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