Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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