you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
