i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
