I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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