If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
