There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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