Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
