Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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