The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
