It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
