More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
