She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
