I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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