apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
