You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
