The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
