sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
My friends, they love my intelligence
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
