can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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