I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
