I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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