My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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