i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
