last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
