I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
