i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
