I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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