she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He did a backflip because drugs
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
