I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
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My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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