Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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