I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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