Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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