just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
