I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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