I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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