We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
