I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I cannot find my penis.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.