I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.