I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.