apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
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I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
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I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.