I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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