i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
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Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
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So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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