that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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