i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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