Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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