my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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