Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
