you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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