Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
