I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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