Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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