You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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