moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
