Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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