I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
