Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
