I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
