Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
