My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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