Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
